an artist friend of mine once said to me, "you are your own ancestor." he is the type to wax poetic on any and every occasion. it was late, in some lounge spot in brooklyn, maybe with a little wine flowing and some music in the background--the perfect setting for one of his sermons.

i was quiet for a moment, thinking about what he said. there was certainly some truth to it. i certainly believe that we are an outcropping of our past thoughts and actions. that who we are in this moment is a product of who we've been, but that we can choose to be someone different, also in this moment, and become someone else entirely in the future. in other words: you are your own ancestor. but you can also be your own progeny.

i've watched the secret at least a half dozen times now, but i think it's very difficult to make this mental/physical/emotional/spiritual shift in a real way. i have struggled and struggled to shrug off who i've been for years, trying to remake myself. but usu it is a mere refashioning of who i am/was--a nicer wardrobe, maybe, or slightly better job, but very little substantive change.

and it just (JUST) occurred to me that i can be someone else, the someone i've always wanted to be, the wild woman who visits me in my sleep or when i am daydreaming. she has always been there waiting for who i am/was to let her be born.

i can be new, radical, different. who i was doesn't really matter.

i suppose every bit of growth, while encouraging, can also feel like a part of you dying--while something newer, more vital, takes its place.